byes

Alrighty, so I have a bunch of a things to do but I figured I should get a goodbye in here too. I probably won't post for a couple or a few weeks, but don't give up on me. Please come back and read. I'll figure out how to post pics and probably have some real good stuff up here once I'm settled back in America. Oh man. God is already showing me tons of favor. I have a comfortable place to stay once I hit American soil...it's with the associate pastor's family from my church. I stayed in their basement one summer, awesome people and tons of fun. Weird thing is, they won't even be there until a few days after we get back from Russia. BUT one of the guys coming the second week of Russia who also works at church happens to live across the street from them and will have a key. How convenient, eh? There are a few places I could stay but obviously I don't want to be a burden and their house is easy to get to and pretty close to church so I don't have to worry too much about people finding me and driving me around...hehe. The best part is, they are so awesome that it's not even that they are just letting me crash there, but they have been overflowing with hospitality to where the pastor said they WANTED me to stay there. I guess they must really miss my scrambled pancakes. hahaha. It's good 'cause he just finished at Asbury a couple years ago so he can give me a bunch of pointers and hook me up with some people he knows that are still there. Plus, the wife/mom has a similar weird sense of humor and doesn't mind pausing the weird movies we watch when I gotta run to the bathroom after scarfing a bowl of ice cream...that's Christian love!

Another added bonus is Mike's doing. He even reminded me to contact the fam about staying there. He also got me some driving manuals so I can study on the plane ride back, what a weird way to come down off a mission trip high, huh? BUT I REALLY need to pass the tests right away. He's willing to provide a car for me to practice and use for the test and even giving me a temporary cell phone until I get hooked up. For reals. Isn't that insane?? I could easily just bow down to Mike and his coolness BUT I know it's God using Him. He's truly a man after God's heart and in him trying to please the Lord, he's helping me out SO much. I can't imagine this transition without him. And with the move back, if it weren't for Russia, I'd have had to cover my own plane ticket back and figured out all this other stuff mostly on my own. God provides, for real!

Anyways, just so you don't worry...I'm taken care of. I still need prayer to pass that exam, God's grace. It's been years since I drove and like 8 years since I took that exam! Ugh. But I trust God will sharpen my mind and let it all sink in, plus it's a good refresher so I'm cautious in my driving when I get back. That's not a bad thing. Honestly, I think I've forgotten some basic rules of the road. If I didn't have the test I wouldn't bother with checking the rules...God knows me. hehe.

The goodbyes are already sad. I finally sent a mass text, or a couple, and a few people called. I expect some more calls or whatever in the coming hours and day...I nearly cry after each one and realize that I really have to keep my Korean up to keep in contact with some of these guys. Thankfully the Korean education system and working world has caused most of them to at least have a grasp on written English. yay.

Tonight we're having a family worship time and I'll be sharing the message I'm giving in Russia, it's about the walk to Emmaus and how important it is to have the right understanding of who Jesus is. Most of my family members don't have relationships with Jesus. They had gone to church for a year or so but all seemed to have given it up. It causes my mom to struggle with her faith, I think...so hopefully God will do some convicting tonight and use these words to touch their hearts.

I need to write some letters and tomorrow it's time for packing and all that. Wow, it's almost over...crazy. Till we meet again in America (or maybe a quick note from Russia)...

An-yeong (Bye). ^^

a few more days

The last five years are ending, something new is beginning. To some extent I feel it's more like I'll be waking from a dream. I hope to wake up changed from the dream but as I wake up in the place I started, once there I hope I don't continue to assume it was a dream.

Not sure what to think...still haven't fully reflected. But I'm not as worried about the stuff back there in reality. From what I can tell, God's got it under control...each time something or someone reminds me of something I could worry about, God's got me.

Sope, here goes...

the next day

Yep, kind of as if nothing happened yesterday. That's how things go.

Communication is really broken down. It's just the day to day stuff. My mom's English isn't so good or my understanding of it is disappearing, no way to talk about deep stuff.

Only Jesus can help us communicate now...prayer.



Henry Appenzeller is fighting for his life. His brother, Langston Hughes, is trying to help. They (my goldfish children) acted like this when I left before on trips, but this might be it for Henry. I think he knows I'm going for good this time. It's horrible to watch. I can't focus on my talks for Russia. Their tank is directly across from where my computer is. Too sad. Why do I have to watch this? I mean, if he could wait a week...


I'm only here one more week. I'll be boarding the plane at this time next week, heading to Russia for two weeks and then off to America. Transition time is like waiting in an airplane terminal. Nothing you can do but wait, no control just anxiety and expectation. You can feel the stress of others and the uncertainty of what will happen and when, you're all just waiting for the departure.

That's what life is though, mostly unconscious waiting for departure. There are moments when we realize that we're just living until the end. I mean, we know we need to make the most of every moment, but in the terminal, only so many times you can ride the walking escalator thing.

I can't watch him die. It's like watching my 5 years in Korea come to an end...it's probably time but I don't know if I'm ready to let go...

not enough words

Not much has been accomplished in my time in Jeonju. Maybe I just need to change my definition or understanding of accomplishment.

I had high hopes of being some great spiritual catalyst in this family, stoking fires and all that. Those fires were put out before even getting here when my mom didn't support ideas of family worship or whatever. She had been wanting to do it but when I was here to support, she didn't want to. After hearing from her today about some things, I don't think she feels that responsibility at all.
My step-dad went to church only one Sunday since I've been here. If the Korean culture depends a lot on image, you think he'd at least make it look like he goes to church and then just stop when I leave. He can't even leave me with that false peace. But I guess it helps me to see the reality and really pray for him. When there's no relationship with Jesus, there's no desire for church.

I'm still a secret, just got sent off to hide in my mom's room when one of my step-grandma's friends visited (apparently this woman is nosy and a gossip). It sucks to say the least.
Does my mom think more of the people in her apartment building than me? I know there are cultural issues involved and as much as I feel she's ashamed of me, I guess she's ashamed of her past. I already can't introduce any future children to my biological dad (if I even cared to know where he was) because I saw how he ignored my nieces (and me) and I couldn't put them through that. Now I wonder if I could come back to Korea with a future husband and kids, would we get sent off into a room when a visitor comes? My kids couldn't get baptized at my mom's church, not because of any issues with infant baptism but because I can't ever go to my mom's church, I don't exist to them. I probably never will. I don't know what I expect but it affirms why I need to go back to America. At least I exist there. I might be alone, but I exist.

Today I hate Korea. Today I hate the Korean culture which means I hate part of me, of what God made me to be. And I hate that.

It's easier to deal with this culture when you have control. When I lived in Seoul, it was my life, I was never ashamed of who I was. But here, I know I wasn't locked in that room but I love my mom and even though I had the desire to just walk out into the living room and sit at my computer and leave my mom to explain to the old lady who visited who I was, well, I couldn't. Love shouldn't bind us in that way. Love shouldn't make us feel ashamed or make us feel like we aren't worthy.

Of course I knew saying anything to my mom would bring her guilt and shame and I told myself I wouldn't say anything but that's not me. I say how I feel. For the first time I fully understood what the pain was. It wasn't just that maybe my mom is ashamed of who I am, it was the feeling that she was more concerned with a bunch of people she barely knows than with how her own daughter felt alone in that room, trapped.

Right now, I know she wouldn't even want me to type this, my own feelings, because she's caught up in concern for what people think. I am too, with certain things. Making the devotionals for Russia, I was overwhelmed and then full of anxiety when I sent them to be checked over. Waiting for the response was hard, it was harder to actually get it and open the file and wonder what each word would say, but it was fine.

I'm not judging my mom for worrying about other people but I don't like the way I feel about all of this. It's not fair. After nearly 25 years, I'm finally ok with who I am, why can't she be? It makes me wonder if I should be ashamed, if I should stay a secret, maybe I'm not worthy. I hate that the most. I wasn't worthy of my father's love and now I'm not worthy of my mother's...

I know that's not true. I know I'm worthy of more, but I sure don't feel it. And they haven't shown it.

Without God, I know I couldn't be here (like living). I know that I wouldn't be able to forgive even though it's hard enough with God to do that. Guilt. Shame. Doubt. Why do we do that to one another?

There's my struggle. Will I regret posting this? I hope not. But I have to...I can't be ashamed. I won't be.

July 4th

So the Fourth of July came and went. Didn't realize until I got a text message from someone late that evening. The family and I (excluding my step-bro) went out and checked out some stuff. It wasn't all that exciting but it was good to get out and hang out with the family. The next day I could barely move my legs. Today isn't as bad but my calf muscles still hurt pretty bad. And oh is it hot out.

Just a few days and I need to finish up this Russia stuff. I can't believe there are less than 2 weeks left. Eeek.

scanning

Been scanning all my music (lyric and chord sheets) since yesterday morning. Hopefully I can finish it up today and getting cracking on the devos for Russia. It's overwhelming so I've been avoiding it. But now I just have 2 weeks to get it completely done...eek.

17 days left.