Sin exposed...

It's rough when it's right there in front of you...when you see it and the moment of recognition enters into you. It's like not being able to escape that reflection in the mirror.

Everyone here is so obviously damaged and broken...but like seeking to be whole and mostly searching in the right Place. But then, people out there are just as damaged and broken. Do they know Where to go? Do they know Who to turn to?

Just trying not to be so serious all the time...

Big life changes are generally good things. Here goes...

no classes

It seems on days I have no classes, not only do I not get reading done but I just run around with errands and things and wear myself out. I assume that once things get in gear there will be less of that. It's life though, eh? I really need to hit the books hard on Friday...we'll see.

Will be leaving again here in like 30 minutes so I'm not bothering to crack a book but I guess I CAN get something read in 30 minutes..hmm...guess I should.

But yeah, things are going pretty amazingly. Today God was like, "How come people ask each other about their days and how their families are (if they are closer) but they don't ask about me?" You know, we never say, "How's God doing?" It's something we can know for ourselves, I guess...but the question implies "How are YOU doing with God, what's He teaching you and doing in your life?" I think I'm going to start asking people this. I'm definitely in a place where I feel like accountability is up for grabs and if we can't tell each other this how do we tell people on the streets? I want to be asked...I want to share what God taught me today. We'll see how this goes...

a real post

So, I'm too far behind to get caught up to where I am now so I'll just go on from here.

Tonight I went to the "Small World" dessert thing at the Multi-Cultural House. Stanley, an Indian born and raised in Kuwait, shared his testimony and where his heart is and all that. It was cool. There were just a few people there but it was a good night. It felt like LOTS of time had passed and I guess it was like 2 hours but then it seemed like much more time than that had passed in some weird way and I felt refreshed by it. I was really reminded of God's faithfulness and provision and I guess I got some peace from that. Also, I feel like I finally met someone who was able to openly vocalize how he was feeling some of the same things I'm feeling about being a person without a home and things like that.

Had a really bad stomachache after lunch and it was yuck. Ended up getting a can of coke and reading in the fellowship room on the first floor of the door and just burping and farting it up for like 2 hours! No joke. It sure helped but I don't think I'll be eating much from the cafeteria. I should have gotten on a scale before leaving Missouri. I feel like I've lost a few pounds in just the last 2 weeks. It's not a bad thing to lose the weight since it's better to do it now than have the people I need to deal with as I pursue this ordination thing tell me I'm fat and need to lose weight. Anyways, apparently when your diet is like 90% lettuce, you get gassy. But with a roommate and people ALWAYS around, I don't like feel like I can comfortably fart anywhere. But I guess I found a place. No one really goes in there during the day...I think I'll make that my farting room. Mwahaha. Whatever, I bet Jesus let some good ones rip, like around a fire at night with the disciples (did His people do stuff like that? I guess I'm at the best place to find out). But yeah, the food is SO salty, my tongue is always numb after I eat. Can't take it.

Anyways, need to get to bed. Yes, it's 10 pm and I am going to bed after I look over my Old Testament maps...yay. Getting up around 6 am every day is getting better. I didn't even nap today! Good times.

Hopefully I'll have more deep posts or something. The days go by too quickly. Today I had alone time with Jesus and that was pretty quality. Then I even had some decent people interaction time. It's coming together even though I still don't feel all that comfortable yet.

Still no real job too, btw. I'd be happy to let you know where to send the checks...hint hint. Just kidding, kind of. Anyways, I'm not quite worried yet. I've gotten less concerned, maybe because I haven't seen any bills yet. Boo.

Tomorrow is Sept. 11 and there's chapel. I'm glad it's a major chapel day. I missed chapel so far this week from feeling REALLY bad on Tuesday and just needing to read and not take communion (had it twice on Sunday). Yes, I realize you can't ever have enough of Jesus' blood and body...but maybe you can? Anyways, yay for tomorrow's chapel!

not what you'd expect

So the service wasn't bilingual...BUT in catching the last bit of it, wasn't bad. Then Hee-tae (one of the 3 or 4 Korean guys here who isn't married) and I stayed for the Korean service after we knew we could get a ride back to campus. Wow, so it wasn't like super moving but much more moving than any Korean service I've sat through. The pastor had preached at the English service and it was a very similar message but HE is bilingual and yeah. The pastor's wife is an associate prof here at ATS (Asbury) and well, that was cool. The English service had people from all over. One of the pastors is a lady from India but she doesn't have an accent at all so that was crazy. The church even has a Hispanic worship service in the evenings. Yet with the English and Spanish it's still, at the heart, a Korean church and I flashbacked like 20 years and remembered my days as a kid going to church with my mom. Oh man, I was home.

I am pretty set on that being my church base for Kentucky, but I'll still check around. This is what Koreans like to call "eye shopping" (window shopping). I know I already have what I need, but I'll just look around and now I won't be disappointed if I go away without buying anything. So yeah, it was good. There's a Starbucks on the way so I think that will be part of my Sunday routine and I can make sure just to do my Wal-Mart shopping on Sundays as that's also on the way. Good deal. But yeah, I felt at home and it will give me a chance to get to know some of the Koreans on campus a little better, in a smaller setting.

Anyways, I SHOULD do some reading today. I went to the morning prayer at 6 am. Someone praying freaked me out so I didn't stay that long but I got in a nap, woke up and wrote some notes to the Korean guys (as encouragement and thanking them for making me feel welcomed and such), and then had lunch, helped Hee-tae with bank stuff, ran some more errands and now I'm here. I need to head out again to check on the evening daycare job (seems a contradiction of words) here on campus...THEN I will read and a couple hours later will be dinner. HAHAHA

Alrighty...outta here.

another Sunday

Last week I checked out a church that is on the decline and has lost it's vision for the students of Wilmore. They are focusing on the community but ignoring the biggest part of the community, the Asbury College and ATS students. It reminded me of where I came from and the struggles I had there. It was a bit too much to take and I hate to think that it's where God's calling me. So this week I'm travelling into the big city to check out a Korean/English church. This week's service is bilingual. Honestly, with 3 chapels a week, 5 morning prayer times per week, I feel like that's enough Christian community. With even living in community, I feel like church is just another task and somehow seems to diminish the fact that church is about community and the Word and accountability and congregational worship. I get that stuff all week. I may be committing to the community for a while as opposed to going to a church each week. Will I get kicked out? I HAVE to serve in a church next semester so I need to find a place but at the same time, I don't want to get burned out. Plus, Sunday mornings are the quietest times here...haha.

The dynamics of this environment really got to me yesterday and last night and resulted in a loss of sleep. I find the desperation and giggliness of relationships a little more frightening than expected. I get that people are wanting to find someone to serve God in ministry with and that loneliness can hit you hard out here among the horse ranches, cattle and goats, and miles and miles of nothingness...but why does it have to get in the way of establishing solid brother-sister relationships. I think it even gets in the way of brother-brother and sister-sister relationships here. The realization of having to be very discerning and aware of the relationships I have, it's stressful and taking up valuable time. Yeah, I realize that's my own fault, I don't need to spend time concerned of such things, but I think I do. In a small community of young men and women who are called by God, single-ness is a serious reality. It's a reality that most want to remedy. It's definitely not something I intend to remedy this first semester. And as I live in a sort of fear of the way I interact, I miss out on life. Maybe the last five years were lessons in awkwardness to deal with the situations that could arise here. I guess to see if I learned anything in matters of relationships, I need to get my feet wet.

Besides those interactions, the reading is kicking my butt. I more or less need to read like one text book a day. This means like 4-600 pages of a book almost the size of a life application kind of Bible. No joke. And I should understand it? ha. Well, I'm trying and getting done what I can but I'm still processing this country and being here. I still have people to get back in contact with and those that I more recently departed from to continue contact with. It'll all happen, maybe not the way I want, but nonetheless...

So here's to another week. Need to make each one count!

Morning Prayer

So, after like 5 years in Korea and never once (as far as I recall) going to the early morning prayer and after denouncing it (semi-jokingly) many times, I, Izzie, have finally gone...yes, I went to the KOREAN prayer meeting this morning at 6 am. Funny how things work out sometimes. Apparently my name is on the calendar for Oct. 14 or something and I guess I have to give a short message or something. I figured I should check it out and get my face seen by more Koreans and well, that whole praying thing is good too. It's amazing how much better my Korean is here. Maybe I am focused more? I dunno...whatever it is, it's good.

I guess I can just write this post about my Korean experience here in western Kentucky. The first day I pull in, KOREANS! I saw like one or two Asians that I knew must be Korean...yay. Then I realized that my dorm was sandwiched right between two big family housing dorms with mostly Koreans in them. Most days around 6 pm, the Korean children take over the lawn and run around chasing animals and each other and riding their bikes with their English/Korean (Konglish) conversations. It's wonderful. From what I can tell, there are a few Korean-Americans on campus but I haven't seen them really so I'm not sure how or if at all they are involved in the Korean Student Association/community. I'm apparently "one of them," at least on paper.

The general overview is that there are tons of Korean guys who are mostly already pastors in Korea who are either doing MDiv or their PhD or some other masters course. These guys are all married with kids. Most of them are in their late 20s to 40s. So yeah, almost all the women are moms or (pastor's) wives (sa-mo-nim). There ARE a few singles, like FOUR of us! Yesterday the three guys were sitting together for dinner so I went to say hey and chat a bit and then one of the pastors came over and we were introduced. He didn't know I was "one of them" and then he proceeded to accept our joke that we were having a singles' group meeting. Then he told me to choose one of them. Yes, I often feel like I'm in Korea. Could you make things any more awkward? Anyways, that's typical. Of the three guys, the youngest who is like 21, actually has been in America since high school. He's an MDiv student. He was an exchange student in Missouri's bootheel, funny, eh? There's one guy who's 32ish and really nice, doing his MA in something. Then there's the friend of a friend, he's like 2 years older than me and also doing MDiv. The four of us are the singles. It's so weird.

Anyways, it's such a complicated thing. I mean, when two of them are talking together, they can more easily follow Korean rules of behavior. But then here they are in America and when interacting with the Americans those Korean rules don't apply. The Americans don't know that it's REALLY strange to use an older person (especially a pastor's) first name and first name only. It freaks me out because I feel like my mom would be ashamed by me if I did it. Then there's me who enters the conversation kind of speaking Korean, yet busting out the English and I'm definitely American but sort of Korean. What rules are followed then? I don't know. I'm not sure what's exactly expected of me. I don't know if they think I am over-stepping the bounds with the proper greetings (in-sa) or what. Time will tell. Many still have yet to see me as one of them. I'm just trying to be patient. One of the pastor's wife said I can all her unni. She's like 7 years older than me and pretty cool. ALL the kids here at seminary are cute (whatever country they are from). I'm not the kind of person who thinks ALL kids are cute. I've seen some ugly kids in my day. But yeah, they are cuties.

Anyways, the morning prayer sleepiness has gotten to me. I should lay down for a bit so I can be useful today. yay. But anwyays, with the 120 Korean bodies on or around campus, they have their own community and it's quite strange. It will require further anthropological study to crack the system. I have at least 3 years to do it. hehe

the first week

How can I even begin?

The first days were rough because I kept putting my timing before God's. He's not One for instant relationships. Well, that connection is established but there has to be a building on to that and yeah, I wanted deep friendships on day one and that's not what He's about. So I struggled and fought. To add to that, I wasn't (and am not yet completely) sure who I am...Korean? American? Worker? Student? And just what am I here to do? I'm used to working and going to school on the side. I feel like I need to get a bunch of jobs yet one might be too much to handle with my load and the ways I'd like to serve. Frustrated. That's how I'd describe the first week here. I saw the cloud of my past self creeping in and I knew that submitting to it, falling back into the non-social, people hating, negative person would show I hadn't grown over those 5 years in Korea. Is that the truth?

I've put a lot of prejudices on the guys here so that's been rough since I often feel more comfortable hanging around guys. There are 3 single Korean guys here which I am grouped with in that community (more on this later) and that's awkward in itself. BUT, a couple trips to hang with the pastor's family from my college days in Springfield has allowed me to meet two guys who seem cool enough to hang out with. I'm starting to find a group of regulars to eat with, a larger group and then sitting with whoever happens to have seats open at their tables. Generally this group is a bunch of first year girls...

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I just left for a bit, hard to get this all down in one sitting. And sadly, I think I must go without any of my solid thoughts and amazing stories actually in this blog. Boo.

Let me just say that as much as it's rough dealing with culture and whatever hardships there may be, God IS here and that's enough for me right now. I just got to get past those human faults and it's not so bad.