Thanksgiving

Hmm...so, time has flown by yet not gone by fast enough.
There's one week of school and then finals when I return after this Thanksgiving break. It's been an INTENSE semester. Mostly it's because I dive into the deep end, whether I can swim well or not, and I see it all, I see every bit of the good, bad, and ugly that's in the ministry or school or community. It all comes crashing down on my expectations and understanding and generally it overwhelmes.

As it all winds down, it's like a storm has passed through. Some things are torn up, some things completely gone and to never be returned, some things will grow back with time, but I can just clean up what's left and be thankful I'm still alive and that I have the hope to continue on.

I can only live my life as I feel called and hope others follow the good things and do good things of their own. But I'm pro-active, it's what I try to do...

a rough start

This whole moving back to America business hasn't been easy. I'm finding my role as a bridge gets harder and harder. People just walk on bridges and don't bother to care about them until they start creaking a lot or until they just fall down. The bridge gets blamed, not the people that use the bridge for not taking care of it. Anyways, I've been creaking a lot under the pressure. But God is faithful and this rough spot has been a catalyst to push forward and it'll be ok.

A quarter of a century

Sorry, this is not a blog about today's election. I feel sad that we are repeating what our forefathers (the Israelites) did in seeking autonomy from God...He'd be a much better ruler of our nation. So nope, I didn't vote and I'm not registered and you can think all you want about it...

But I will say, being 25...I officially can add a year to my life but that doesn't necessarily add maturity or make life decisions any easier to navigate through. BUT I did have a wonderful birthday, one of the top 5 even...but yeah.

I made it through midterms ok and now finals in a matter of a few weeks. The oasis of Thanksgiving break is just in front of me. Then a week after that and finals and done! Woot.

With the semester almost over, I look forward to a chance to sit and reflect. That'll be intense.

Midterms

Today is the big midterm...Old Testament. It wouldn't be a big deal had I started studying earlier. But of course I didn't and here I am cramming the day of. Boo. But whatever, it's just a class, just a grade...but I want to do well, to be a good steward of this education. I slept like 5 hours or something...I'm doing ok. We'll see.

Anyways, my voice is still all gross from being sick. It's squeaky...ick.

Sick...

Been sick for like a week. It's ok though, getting over it.

Petitioned to change my degree...woot woot. Now I need to petition to have some courses waived and try to get into a class. Then I'll have 9 solid hours next semester and will work (for tuition).

The financial crisis is freaking people out. But think about the Great Depression and what it was like back then. Would it be so bad to be humbled like that? If I born into a different century, like several prior to now, I wonder if I'd be one of those aesthetics? Is that the right spelling? You know, those people who are all extreme and wearing like rags and shaving their head.

Went to the Robbie Seay Band concert at Asbury College last night. It was pretty great! Robbie's bro, Chris, spoke and said some good stuff.

More later...maybe...

Kentucky Autumn

Yeah, so I'm sick...boo. The seeds flying around in the air...yuck. But I'll self-medicate and hope it blows over with as much sleep as I can possibly sleep...yum.

Happy October!

It's the first day of October. I tried to sleep in late...till 8, but didn't work. Ended up out of bed by 7 am. Never heard my roommate snore until this morning. I thought there must have been someone else in the room! I mean, don't get me wrong...when I'm really tired or sick I can totally snore with the best of them. But yeah, of all times. Living in the dorm is not working out with an early to bed, early to rise schedule. I can only assume John Wesley didn't live in a dorm because he was in bed by 10 and woke up at like 4. For real.

So, I have a headache and am decently rested and that headache might be related to getting a decent amount of sleep. Boo.

My list of things to do today isn't getting any shorter but yeah...it's October! Shoot. That's crazy. I've been here just over a month...yet it's only been a month. Lots of major changes taking place as I take midterms and write papers and catch up on reading...we'll see...

Sin exposed...

It's rough when it's right there in front of you...when you see it and the moment of recognition enters into you. It's like not being able to escape that reflection in the mirror.

Everyone here is so obviously damaged and broken...but like seeking to be whole and mostly searching in the right Place. But then, people out there are just as damaged and broken. Do they know Where to go? Do they know Who to turn to?

Just trying not to be so serious all the time...

Big life changes are generally good things. Here goes...

no classes

It seems on days I have no classes, not only do I not get reading done but I just run around with errands and things and wear myself out. I assume that once things get in gear there will be less of that. It's life though, eh? I really need to hit the books hard on Friday...we'll see.

Will be leaving again here in like 30 minutes so I'm not bothering to crack a book but I guess I CAN get something read in 30 minutes..hmm...guess I should.

But yeah, things are going pretty amazingly. Today God was like, "How come people ask each other about their days and how their families are (if they are closer) but they don't ask about me?" You know, we never say, "How's God doing?" It's something we can know for ourselves, I guess...but the question implies "How are YOU doing with God, what's He teaching you and doing in your life?" I think I'm going to start asking people this. I'm definitely in a place where I feel like accountability is up for grabs and if we can't tell each other this how do we tell people on the streets? I want to be asked...I want to share what God taught me today. We'll see how this goes...

a real post

So, I'm too far behind to get caught up to where I am now so I'll just go on from here.

Tonight I went to the "Small World" dessert thing at the Multi-Cultural House. Stanley, an Indian born and raised in Kuwait, shared his testimony and where his heart is and all that. It was cool. There were just a few people there but it was a good night. It felt like LOTS of time had passed and I guess it was like 2 hours but then it seemed like much more time than that had passed in some weird way and I felt refreshed by it. I was really reminded of God's faithfulness and provision and I guess I got some peace from that. Also, I feel like I finally met someone who was able to openly vocalize how he was feeling some of the same things I'm feeling about being a person without a home and things like that.

Had a really bad stomachache after lunch and it was yuck. Ended up getting a can of coke and reading in the fellowship room on the first floor of the door and just burping and farting it up for like 2 hours! No joke. It sure helped but I don't think I'll be eating much from the cafeteria. I should have gotten on a scale before leaving Missouri. I feel like I've lost a few pounds in just the last 2 weeks. It's not a bad thing to lose the weight since it's better to do it now than have the people I need to deal with as I pursue this ordination thing tell me I'm fat and need to lose weight. Anyways, apparently when your diet is like 90% lettuce, you get gassy. But with a roommate and people ALWAYS around, I don't like feel like I can comfortably fart anywhere. But I guess I found a place. No one really goes in there during the day...I think I'll make that my farting room. Mwahaha. Whatever, I bet Jesus let some good ones rip, like around a fire at night with the disciples (did His people do stuff like that? I guess I'm at the best place to find out). But yeah, the food is SO salty, my tongue is always numb after I eat. Can't take it.

Anyways, need to get to bed. Yes, it's 10 pm and I am going to bed after I look over my Old Testament maps...yay. Getting up around 6 am every day is getting better. I didn't even nap today! Good times.

Hopefully I'll have more deep posts or something. The days go by too quickly. Today I had alone time with Jesus and that was pretty quality. Then I even had some decent people interaction time. It's coming together even though I still don't feel all that comfortable yet.

Still no real job too, btw. I'd be happy to let you know where to send the checks...hint hint. Just kidding, kind of. Anyways, I'm not quite worried yet. I've gotten less concerned, maybe because I haven't seen any bills yet. Boo.

Tomorrow is Sept. 11 and there's chapel. I'm glad it's a major chapel day. I missed chapel so far this week from feeling REALLY bad on Tuesday and just needing to read and not take communion (had it twice on Sunday). Yes, I realize you can't ever have enough of Jesus' blood and body...but maybe you can? Anyways, yay for tomorrow's chapel!

not what you'd expect

So the service wasn't bilingual...BUT in catching the last bit of it, wasn't bad. Then Hee-tae (one of the 3 or 4 Korean guys here who isn't married) and I stayed for the Korean service after we knew we could get a ride back to campus. Wow, so it wasn't like super moving but much more moving than any Korean service I've sat through. The pastor had preached at the English service and it was a very similar message but HE is bilingual and yeah. The pastor's wife is an associate prof here at ATS (Asbury) and well, that was cool. The English service had people from all over. One of the pastors is a lady from India but she doesn't have an accent at all so that was crazy. The church even has a Hispanic worship service in the evenings. Yet with the English and Spanish it's still, at the heart, a Korean church and I flashbacked like 20 years and remembered my days as a kid going to church with my mom. Oh man, I was home.

I am pretty set on that being my church base for Kentucky, but I'll still check around. This is what Koreans like to call "eye shopping" (window shopping). I know I already have what I need, but I'll just look around and now I won't be disappointed if I go away without buying anything. So yeah, it was good. There's a Starbucks on the way so I think that will be part of my Sunday routine and I can make sure just to do my Wal-Mart shopping on Sundays as that's also on the way. Good deal. But yeah, I felt at home and it will give me a chance to get to know some of the Koreans on campus a little better, in a smaller setting.

Anyways, I SHOULD do some reading today. I went to the morning prayer at 6 am. Someone praying freaked me out so I didn't stay that long but I got in a nap, woke up and wrote some notes to the Korean guys (as encouragement and thanking them for making me feel welcomed and such), and then had lunch, helped Hee-tae with bank stuff, ran some more errands and now I'm here. I need to head out again to check on the evening daycare job (seems a contradiction of words) here on campus...THEN I will read and a couple hours later will be dinner. HAHAHA

Alrighty...outta here.

another Sunday

Last week I checked out a church that is on the decline and has lost it's vision for the students of Wilmore. They are focusing on the community but ignoring the biggest part of the community, the Asbury College and ATS students. It reminded me of where I came from and the struggles I had there. It was a bit too much to take and I hate to think that it's where God's calling me. So this week I'm travelling into the big city to check out a Korean/English church. This week's service is bilingual. Honestly, with 3 chapels a week, 5 morning prayer times per week, I feel like that's enough Christian community. With even living in community, I feel like church is just another task and somehow seems to diminish the fact that church is about community and the Word and accountability and congregational worship. I get that stuff all week. I may be committing to the community for a while as opposed to going to a church each week. Will I get kicked out? I HAVE to serve in a church next semester so I need to find a place but at the same time, I don't want to get burned out. Plus, Sunday mornings are the quietest times here...haha.

The dynamics of this environment really got to me yesterday and last night and resulted in a loss of sleep. I find the desperation and giggliness of relationships a little more frightening than expected. I get that people are wanting to find someone to serve God in ministry with and that loneliness can hit you hard out here among the horse ranches, cattle and goats, and miles and miles of nothingness...but why does it have to get in the way of establishing solid brother-sister relationships. I think it even gets in the way of brother-brother and sister-sister relationships here. The realization of having to be very discerning and aware of the relationships I have, it's stressful and taking up valuable time. Yeah, I realize that's my own fault, I don't need to spend time concerned of such things, but I think I do. In a small community of young men and women who are called by God, single-ness is a serious reality. It's a reality that most want to remedy. It's definitely not something I intend to remedy this first semester. And as I live in a sort of fear of the way I interact, I miss out on life. Maybe the last five years were lessons in awkwardness to deal with the situations that could arise here. I guess to see if I learned anything in matters of relationships, I need to get my feet wet.

Besides those interactions, the reading is kicking my butt. I more or less need to read like one text book a day. This means like 4-600 pages of a book almost the size of a life application kind of Bible. No joke. And I should understand it? ha. Well, I'm trying and getting done what I can but I'm still processing this country and being here. I still have people to get back in contact with and those that I more recently departed from to continue contact with. It'll all happen, maybe not the way I want, but nonetheless...

So here's to another week. Need to make each one count!

Morning Prayer

So, after like 5 years in Korea and never once (as far as I recall) going to the early morning prayer and after denouncing it (semi-jokingly) many times, I, Izzie, have finally gone...yes, I went to the KOREAN prayer meeting this morning at 6 am. Funny how things work out sometimes. Apparently my name is on the calendar for Oct. 14 or something and I guess I have to give a short message or something. I figured I should check it out and get my face seen by more Koreans and well, that whole praying thing is good too. It's amazing how much better my Korean is here. Maybe I am focused more? I dunno...whatever it is, it's good.

I guess I can just write this post about my Korean experience here in western Kentucky. The first day I pull in, KOREANS! I saw like one or two Asians that I knew must be Korean...yay. Then I realized that my dorm was sandwiched right between two big family housing dorms with mostly Koreans in them. Most days around 6 pm, the Korean children take over the lawn and run around chasing animals and each other and riding their bikes with their English/Korean (Konglish) conversations. It's wonderful. From what I can tell, there are a few Korean-Americans on campus but I haven't seen them really so I'm not sure how or if at all they are involved in the Korean Student Association/community. I'm apparently "one of them," at least on paper.

The general overview is that there are tons of Korean guys who are mostly already pastors in Korea who are either doing MDiv or their PhD or some other masters course. These guys are all married with kids. Most of them are in their late 20s to 40s. So yeah, almost all the women are moms or (pastor's) wives (sa-mo-nim). There ARE a few singles, like FOUR of us! Yesterday the three guys were sitting together for dinner so I went to say hey and chat a bit and then one of the pastors came over and we were introduced. He didn't know I was "one of them" and then he proceeded to accept our joke that we were having a singles' group meeting. Then he told me to choose one of them. Yes, I often feel like I'm in Korea. Could you make things any more awkward? Anyways, that's typical. Of the three guys, the youngest who is like 21, actually has been in America since high school. He's an MDiv student. He was an exchange student in Missouri's bootheel, funny, eh? There's one guy who's 32ish and really nice, doing his MA in something. Then there's the friend of a friend, he's like 2 years older than me and also doing MDiv. The four of us are the singles. It's so weird.

Anyways, it's such a complicated thing. I mean, when two of them are talking together, they can more easily follow Korean rules of behavior. But then here they are in America and when interacting with the Americans those Korean rules don't apply. The Americans don't know that it's REALLY strange to use an older person (especially a pastor's) first name and first name only. It freaks me out because I feel like my mom would be ashamed by me if I did it. Then there's me who enters the conversation kind of speaking Korean, yet busting out the English and I'm definitely American but sort of Korean. What rules are followed then? I don't know. I'm not sure what's exactly expected of me. I don't know if they think I am over-stepping the bounds with the proper greetings (in-sa) or what. Time will tell. Many still have yet to see me as one of them. I'm just trying to be patient. One of the pastor's wife said I can all her unni. She's like 7 years older than me and pretty cool. ALL the kids here at seminary are cute (whatever country they are from). I'm not the kind of person who thinks ALL kids are cute. I've seen some ugly kids in my day. But yeah, they are cuties.

Anyways, the morning prayer sleepiness has gotten to me. I should lay down for a bit so I can be useful today. yay. But anwyays, with the 120 Korean bodies on or around campus, they have their own community and it's quite strange. It will require further anthropological study to crack the system. I have at least 3 years to do it. hehe

the first week

How can I even begin?

The first days were rough because I kept putting my timing before God's. He's not One for instant relationships. Well, that connection is established but there has to be a building on to that and yeah, I wanted deep friendships on day one and that's not what He's about. So I struggled and fought. To add to that, I wasn't (and am not yet completely) sure who I am...Korean? American? Worker? Student? And just what am I here to do? I'm used to working and going to school on the side. I feel like I need to get a bunch of jobs yet one might be too much to handle with my load and the ways I'd like to serve. Frustrated. That's how I'd describe the first week here. I saw the cloud of my past self creeping in and I knew that submitting to it, falling back into the non-social, people hating, negative person would show I hadn't grown over those 5 years in Korea. Is that the truth?

I've put a lot of prejudices on the guys here so that's been rough since I often feel more comfortable hanging around guys. There are 3 single Korean guys here which I am grouped with in that community (more on this later) and that's awkward in itself. BUT, a couple trips to hang with the pastor's family from my college days in Springfield has allowed me to meet two guys who seem cool enough to hang out with. I'm starting to find a group of regulars to eat with, a larger group and then sitting with whoever happens to have seats open at their tables. Generally this group is a bunch of first year girls...

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I just left for a bit, hard to get this all down in one sitting. And sadly, I think I must go without any of my solid thoughts and amazing stories actually in this blog. Boo.

Let me just say that as much as it's rough dealing with culture and whatever hardships there may be, God IS here and that's enough for me right now. I just got to get past those human faults and it's not so bad.

I'm here

Wow! Today at chapel, well, I'll admit it...I shed a few tears while singing a hymn. Yes, an old-school hymn and WITH an organ. The organist is this cute, little old man...hehe. But yeah, Dr. J. Ellsworth Kallas spoke and it was good...but overall it was just BAM! I'm excited for chapels for the first time in my life!! Yum. Maybe it's because it's not even mandatory but it's 3 times a week or something and I figure I'll go to at least two.

Today, as much as it was super fast-paced, it was really good. I have two Korean guys in my orientation group which is great. It's helping me get into the community. Plus today God just opened a lot of paths for that which I'm just ecstatic about! At first I felt like I needed to work my way in but I think God's taken care of it and I can see even how timing it working out so perfectly. Yay.

Anyways, more orienation tomorrow so I should go...hopefully I'll figure out how to put pics up and I can show y'all (as they say around here) the books I have to lug around this semester (total will be about $470 just for this semester!!! what?!?).

Laters.

in about 32 hours

I'll be heading to Wilmore, Kentucky in less than 2 days! Crazy.
Still have quite a bit of packing to do...definitely exhausted. Can't wait to be unpacked and starting school...nervous...but the excited kind, I think.
I don't really get "excited" for stuff like this. Seems those around me are much more excited...but I guess that's the pessimistic side that comes out, and that foil part where I have the inner need to oppose those around me.

Welp, I've got a full day of stuff tomorrow...woot.

See you in Wilmore!

sleepy

It's getting late and I need to get to bed but just a quick post...
6-8 am and 11 am-1 pm, helped freshmen at SEMO get moved in. It was good times with the Ignite House gang. I am sore but it's a good kind of sore, 'cause we helped people...AND I learned that the knots in my shoulders don't form solely due to stress. boo.
Met my district assigned mentor for ordination, more good times. He's a nice guy so it'll be fun. Such a scary process to enter into, so it's good they don't just throw you to the sharks with a raw steak tied to your neck. I feel at least I'm in one of those shark cage things.
Anyways, only days away from Asbury, lots to do. Well, not so much "lots" of things but just not much time left. I'm not rushed or freaking out in any way as I know I'll be back in a bit over a month. So yeah.
Time for bed...a long but lovely day.

never enough

So, I realized that there will never be enough time to reflect and try to grasp the last 5 years or so of my life. It's ok. Parts are coming into focus, even as far back as high school which I seemed to blur out. But it's been good getting back to it and recognizing where I came from and the fact that I'm here and the way I am.

I leave in less than a week for Asbury Theological Seminary...ATS as they call it. From what I can piece together from the people here, it's a survivable place with a decent pool of solid Christian men. There's about two blocks to the whole town and I will have LOTS of studying to do.

It seems I have a roommate and there will be like 5 girls to a suite with 2 suites sharing lots of stuff and sort of joining with another suite of 10 girls on the floor. Intense, no? Not ALL are on the Masters of Divinity track but it should be a decent group of relatively serious Christian ladies. That should be exciting. I may have to opp out after the first year though of the whole roommate situation, we'll see.

The people here "back home" have been seriously welcoming and hospitable in every sense of the words...my home church and my nieces went and grew up without me but it's nice getting reacquainted with them all.

It seems I've started this whole ordination deal. The first big step was to get a mentor, I believe and I'll be meeting mine tomorrow for coffee around 7 pm. Exciting times. I'm completely undecided now about the right path for ordination, I need some time and I know God will speak and I'll finally hear when things clear up a bit.

But as for now, I really need to get to bed. It's almost 10 pm...so early...but I signed up to help move-in at SEMO from 6-8 am and 11 am-1 pm tomorrow...woot. It's something I had wanted to do for the international kids in Korea and now I get my chance...

Sos, I'm really sorry for those of you who actually read this thing. I think posts will become more frequent now. Please come by more and make comments (nice ones).

Laters.

hellos

Wow, been weeks...

Super busy...can't focus at the moment but hopefully I'll get some time tomorrow to sit down with my thoughts.

byes

Alrighty, so I have a bunch of a things to do but I figured I should get a goodbye in here too. I probably won't post for a couple or a few weeks, but don't give up on me. Please come back and read. I'll figure out how to post pics and probably have some real good stuff up here once I'm settled back in America. Oh man. God is already showing me tons of favor. I have a comfortable place to stay once I hit American soil...it's with the associate pastor's family from my church. I stayed in their basement one summer, awesome people and tons of fun. Weird thing is, they won't even be there until a few days after we get back from Russia. BUT one of the guys coming the second week of Russia who also works at church happens to live across the street from them and will have a key. How convenient, eh? There are a few places I could stay but obviously I don't want to be a burden and their house is easy to get to and pretty close to church so I don't have to worry too much about people finding me and driving me around...hehe. The best part is, they are so awesome that it's not even that they are just letting me crash there, but they have been overflowing with hospitality to where the pastor said they WANTED me to stay there. I guess they must really miss my scrambled pancakes. hahaha. It's good 'cause he just finished at Asbury a couple years ago so he can give me a bunch of pointers and hook me up with some people he knows that are still there. Plus, the wife/mom has a similar weird sense of humor and doesn't mind pausing the weird movies we watch when I gotta run to the bathroom after scarfing a bowl of ice cream...that's Christian love!

Another added bonus is Mike's doing. He even reminded me to contact the fam about staying there. He also got me some driving manuals so I can study on the plane ride back, what a weird way to come down off a mission trip high, huh? BUT I REALLY need to pass the tests right away. He's willing to provide a car for me to practice and use for the test and even giving me a temporary cell phone until I get hooked up. For reals. Isn't that insane?? I could easily just bow down to Mike and his coolness BUT I know it's God using Him. He's truly a man after God's heart and in him trying to please the Lord, he's helping me out SO much. I can't imagine this transition without him. And with the move back, if it weren't for Russia, I'd have had to cover my own plane ticket back and figured out all this other stuff mostly on my own. God provides, for real!

Anyways, just so you don't worry...I'm taken care of. I still need prayer to pass that exam, God's grace. It's been years since I drove and like 8 years since I took that exam! Ugh. But I trust God will sharpen my mind and let it all sink in, plus it's a good refresher so I'm cautious in my driving when I get back. That's not a bad thing. Honestly, I think I've forgotten some basic rules of the road. If I didn't have the test I wouldn't bother with checking the rules...God knows me. hehe.

The goodbyes are already sad. I finally sent a mass text, or a couple, and a few people called. I expect some more calls or whatever in the coming hours and day...I nearly cry after each one and realize that I really have to keep my Korean up to keep in contact with some of these guys. Thankfully the Korean education system and working world has caused most of them to at least have a grasp on written English. yay.

Tonight we're having a family worship time and I'll be sharing the message I'm giving in Russia, it's about the walk to Emmaus and how important it is to have the right understanding of who Jesus is. Most of my family members don't have relationships with Jesus. They had gone to church for a year or so but all seemed to have given it up. It causes my mom to struggle with her faith, I think...so hopefully God will do some convicting tonight and use these words to touch their hearts.

I need to write some letters and tomorrow it's time for packing and all that. Wow, it's almost over...crazy. Till we meet again in America (or maybe a quick note from Russia)...

An-yeong (Bye). ^^

a few more days

The last five years are ending, something new is beginning. To some extent I feel it's more like I'll be waking from a dream. I hope to wake up changed from the dream but as I wake up in the place I started, once there I hope I don't continue to assume it was a dream.

Not sure what to think...still haven't fully reflected. But I'm not as worried about the stuff back there in reality. From what I can tell, God's got it under control...each time something or someone reminds me of something I could worry about, God's got me.

Sope, here goes...

the next day

Yep, kind of as if nothing happened yesterday. That's how things go.

Communication is really broken down. It's just the day to day stuff. My mom's English isn't so good or my understanding of it is disappearing, no way to talk about deep stuff.

Only Jesus can help us communicate now...prayer.



Henry Appenzeller is fighting for his life. His brother, Langston Hughes, is trying to help. They (my goldfish children) acted like this when I left before on trips, but this might be it for Henry. I think he knows I'm going for good this time. It's horrible to watch. I can't focus on my talks for Russia. Their tank is directly across from where my computer is. Too sad. Why do I have to watch this? I mean, if he could wait a week...


I'm only here one more week. I'll be boarding the plane at this time next week, heading to Russia for two weeks and then off to America. Transition time is like waiting in an airplane terminal. Nothing you can do but wait, no control just anxiety and expectation. You can feel the stress of others and the uncertainty of what will happen and when, you're all just waiting for the departure.

That's what life is though, mostly unconscious waiting for departure. There are moments when we realize that we're just living until the end. I mean, we know we need to make the most of every moment, but in the terminal, only so many times you can ride the walking escalator thing.

I can't watch him die. It's like watching my 5 years in Korea come to an end...it's probably time but I don't know if I'm ready to let go...

not enough words

Not much has been accomplished in my time in Jeonju. Maybe I just need to change my definition or understanding of accomplishment.

I had high hopes of being some great spiritual catalyst in this family, stoking fires and all that. Those fires were put out before even getting here when my mom didn't support ideas of family worship or whatever. She had been wanting to do it but when I was here to support, she didn't want to. After hearing from her today about some things, I don't think she feels that responsibility at all.
My step-dad went to church only one Sunday since I've been here. If the Korean culture depends a lot on image, you think he'd at least make it look like he goes to church and then just stop when I leave. He can't even leave me with that false peace. But I guess it helps me to see the reality and really pray for him. When there's no relationship with Jesus, there's no desire for church.

I'm still a secret, just got sent off to hide in my mom's room when one of my step-grandma's friends visited (apparently this woman is nosy and a gossip). It sucks to say the least.
Does my mom think more of the people in her apartment building than me? I know there are cultural issues involved and as much as I feel she's ashamed of me, I guess she's ashamed of her past. I already can't introduce any future children to my biological dad (if I even cared to know where he was) because I saw how he ignored my nieces (and me) and I couldn't put them through that. Now I wonder if I could come back to Korea with a future husband and kids, would we get sent off into a room when a visitor comes? My kids couldn't get baptized at my mom's church, not because of any issues with infant baptism but because I can't ever go to my mom's church, I don't exist to them. I probably never will. I don't know what I expect but it affirms why I need to go back to America. At least I exist there. I might be alone, but I exist.

Today I hate Korea. Today I hate the Korean culture which means I hate part of me, of what God made me to be. And I hate that.

It's easier to deal with this culture when you have control. When I lived in Seoul, it was my life, I was never ashamed of who I was. But here, I know I wasn't locked in that room but I love my mom and even though I had the desire to just walk out into the living room and sit at my computer and leave my mom to explain to the old lady who visited who I was, well, I couldn't. Love shouldn't bind us in that way. Love shouldn't make us feel ashamed or make us feel like we aren't worthy.

Of course I knew saying anything to my mom would bring her guilt and shame and I told myself I wouldn't say anything but that's not me. I say how I feel. For the first time I fully understood what the pain was. It wasn't just that maybe my mom is ashamed of who I am, it was the feeling that she was more concerned with a bunch of people she barely knows than with how her own daughter felt alone in that room, trapped.

Right now, I know she wouldn't even want me to type this, my own feelings, because she's caught up in concern for what people think. I am too, with certain things. Making the devotionals for Russia, I was overwhelmed and then full of anxiety when I sent them to be checked over. Waiting for the response was hard, it was harder to actually get it and open the file and wonder what each word would say, but it was fine.

I'm not judging my mom for worrying about other people but I don't like the way I feel about all of this. It's not fair. After nearly 25 years, I'm finally ok with who I am, why can't she be? It makes me wonder if I should be ashamed, if I should stay a secret, maybe I'm not worthy. I hate that the most. I wasn't worthy of my father's love and now I'm not worthy of my mother's...

I know that's not true. I know I'm worthy of more, but I sure don't feel it. And they haven't shown it.

Without God, I know I couldn't be here (like living). I know that I wouldn't be able to forgive even though it's hard enough with God to do that. Guilt. Shame. Doubt. Why do we do that to one another?

There's my struggle. Will I regret posting this? I hope not. But I have to...I can't be ashamed. I won't be.

July 4th

So the Fourth of July came and went. Didn't realize until I got a text message from someone late that evening. The family and I (excluding my step-bro) went out and checked out some stuff. It wasn't all that exciting but it was good to get out and hang out with the family. The next day I could barely move my legs. Today isn't as bad but my calf muscles still hurt pretty bad. And oh is it hot out.

Just a few days and I need to finish up this Russia stuff. I can't believe there are less than 2 weeks left. Eeek.

scanning

Been scanning all my music (lyric and chord sheets) since yesterday morning. Hopefully I can finish it up today and getting cracking on the devos for Russia. It's overwhelming so I've been avoiding it. But now I just have 2 weeks to get it completely done...eek.

17 days left.

hiking indoors

So the family is working on the whole bonding thing. As of now, we're just all getting old and fat together (eating late at night). But when I came I told my step-dad I wanted to go hiking with him. He's in a club, they usually go on Tuesdays. He usually probably walks with his club like 5 hours but sometimes they push it and go 7 (which would usually include lunch and an hour nap). But he has gone 12 hours at Sorak Mountain. So yeah, figured best bonding would be to do something he enjoys. He gets bored easily, especially when he's not keeping busy so I figured what could be more perfect?

Well, it hasn't happened yet...but there are more talks about going and the guilt is getting to him. We're looking at this weekend but it'll probably rain. My plan B is...there's a hiking channel on the cable and you can watch whichever episode of hiking that you want. I say we watch something good, let it get engraved into our brains, then we can take the elevator down to the first floor (even with some backpacks and water), and then climb the stairs up with the images in our minds and come back down and then take the elevator home and eat yummy meat that we cook on a little portable gas range, turn the TV onto one of those mountain scenes and pause it and eat and bond. Good idea, right? I think it would be good.

Anyways, the regular TV is gone so it's like the end of the world over here. Grandma is bored to death but she's pretty old and lived a while before TV was even invented. Maybe she's forgotten those days. It's kind of pitiful, but she feels bad anyway (her back) and is chilling in her room, but it's sad because she doesn't have TV to entertain her...

Well, it's just like one evening, I think we'll all survive.

Joan of Arcadia, weight, nukes

I finished season 2 today. It ended so abruptly, I cannot believe it was not picked up for another season though season 1 was obviously much better than season 2. Yes, there have been some wonderful TV series but none like this. Most of those "religious" kind of "spiritual" shows are so cheesy (Touched by an Angel, ew). As far as I remember, Highway to Heaven was good but I'm sure if I watch it now, I wouldn't last 15 minutes. Joan of Arcadia, well, it's timeless. I mean, the first season was like 2003 or 2004 and well, 4 or 5 years later, the solid messages held strong. I think it dealt with God in a reasonable way, a way in which people could think and see how Jesus could apply to their everyday life. That's what it's about right, what evangelizing is? Anyways, I'm a little sad that it's over, but one day I'll get the DVDs or something and remember it fondly.

Today I got most of this editing thing done that I am doing for a theology grad student. It's pretty anti-American (though it's about the North Korean mission and peace and such), interesting for me to read. Oh well. Just doing my job, trying to make the grammar ok, if not good. It's not even an issue of grammar but more so an issue of making it academic which I am far from. What will I do in the coming years? Be real, I guess. I haven't written many legit papers in the last 5 years, so we'll see how it goes in grad school.

Got called fat by two people yesterday and short by another. The two were my aunt and grandpa and the other was my mom's friend who remembers me from when I was 6 and 13 (in which case I am taller than I was then, though I haven't grown that much since I was 13). The lack of height comment was nothing in comparison to my family saying I gained weight (regardless of the truth in the statement). Anyways, yeah, sure it's Korean culture to say people are fat and it's supposed to be written off as caring but that's some damaging stuff. I can get over it but the damage of the words are still there. I see pics of friends (via facebook) from high school and some have dramatically lost weight, others have drammatically gained it but here I am, about the same, and I'm ok. Definitely can't use Korean cultural standards as my measuring stick. I mean, yeah, I was affected by the words yesterday, but more so as a shock issue than it causing me to starve myself. But no wonder there are many eating disorders in this country. I'm often thankful for coming out of the American culture. It's not perfect but it's close enough for me.

So, I was checking out cnn.com and it said something about North Korea and the nukes and well, for a second, I was like, "That doesn't affect me." Then I remembered that I'm still in SOUTH KOREA and I clicked on the article and saw that something, maybe, good was happening. Sadly though, they could really use nuclear power for energy but there's no trust so it's all gotta go. But how quickly I displace myself. Will I keep up with it from the safety of Kentucky?

You know, I'm apparently going to a town of 5,900 or so people. I did not know this bit of info until the other day as I was looking for churches. Apparently Radcliff, KY has like 6 Korean churches but like nowhere else in Kentucky does. There's only 21,000 there. Crazy, eh? And Radcliff is a good 71 miles from Wilmore. So yeah. I grew up in a town of 4,411 people and then I spent the last 5 years in a city of 11 million and now I'm heading back to a town of nearly 6,000 so I'm not sure what to think. I mean, it's good I didn't know about all this while applying because it's likely I would have hesitated a bit longer. Exciting times, eh? Definitely in for some adventures. Are you guys ready? It's like I'm going back to high school as a more confident, semi-adult who's been out in the world a while. Could there be anything BUT adventures?!?

Oh, random news, but met up with two fellow Missourians here in Jeonju. Funny, huh? They are linked to my home church and people there and here I meet them where my mom lives where only like 400-600 other foreigners reside. Met the second dude yesterday. But yeah...before meeting him, I spent a couple hours in a coffee shop and read and thought. Been a while for that. That kind of freedom is something so easily taken for granted, and I don't mind staying here at my mom's for days and days but once you taste that "freedom" again, it's hard to forget it easily. But I need to buckle down and get things done. Only a few more weeks here in Korea, at my mom's. I really need to spend time with my mom too, not just in front of my computer. There may not be too much more from me while I'm here, but please don't give up on me. The shorter notes will be easier to read, right? And maybe I'll actually do some pen and paper journaling? oooohh.

By the way, the rioting in Seoul because of beef is just too much. Are they for real? Definitely got out of there in time...

tears and runny snot

Over garlic mashed potatoes and onion rings (all homemade by my mommy, it was lunch), my mom and I cried and blew our noses, talking about some things. It's not all out there but if it were, neither of us would function, I'm sure.

Was thinking...I have a short temper with her. Maybe it's because I don't feel like she could reject me any more than she has in the past. I realize that she takes it, although she yells at me to be nicer because if I'm a pastor I can't talk like that to people (that's correct but I don't want to hear it-short temper, duh-and whether I become a pastor or not, I really shouldn't talk to people so sharply anyway), but I guess she takes it from guilt. We talked and stuff...about other things.

Anyway, realized the other day how it's seriously God's grace that my mom and I can even communicate. And I realized how I survived in Korea for 5 years without knowing Korean...my mom uses weird English, like the grammar and vocabulary is her own. And although I learned correct grammar and pronunciation, I know her language too. When I talk with her and think about it, I find I get frustrated and misunderstand her a lot. When I just take it in, I understand her completely. I'm pretty decent at guessing what people will say, so then when I don't like what I think they will say, I get annoyed and short tempered.
For example of the vocab: "niv-a-gorce"...can you guess the meaning? It's "divorce," it's just the word she uses. I guess as she learned it, that's how she understood it and that's how she's said it for more than 30 years. Cultural differences, generational differences, and language differences, yet we still communicate. I'm praying this geographical difference won't get in the way...

Well, I need to go finish packing and the garlic and onions are fighting in my tummy...who will win? I can tell you for one thing, I already lost once. Ew.

reading

Besides the Bible reading that is finding its own regularity, I just finished A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards...well, finished it a few days ago.

It's about submitting to church authority. Was pretty interesting. It broke down the relationships of Saul, David, and Absalom. The author is a pretty old dude and wrote this a couple decades ago but because of the Biblical-ness of it, still so applicable. The gist of it, what I got as a summary in my head/heart, is that we can't really know what or who's God-ordained (often takes hindsight) and sure it may seem it and at times it may seem not but isn't God in control of all of that. The book does state how we're talking about God's people. I mean, it mentions the issue of how sometimes things in this world have gotten better when the people overthrew their leader, but when we're talking about God stuff, the people are usually the dumb ones and God's the smartie, you know? Basically, thinking of how David acted with Saul...he didn't fight back, he dodged the spears, he was always blameless. And with Absalom, David didn't crush his own son, he didn't track him down or even fight back, he didn't become what Saul had been, David stayed David, a man after God's heart. David didn't know what was happening but he saw how he came into the position as king, it wasn't something he fought for, it was truly God's throne so he was willing to let go of it. Then translate this all to ministry, to pastors. I'm totally Absalom, or I've been Absalom. I allowed people to gather around and complain and share their problems and I had quick solutions that seemed perfect and would satisfy those who cared and I was able to lay out all the problems that plagued the ministry I was in, yet I acted as if I was doing something noble and not like I would overthrow anyone (I say that now). Yet, I see now how none of that was help and had I been called to stay here longer, well, I would have ended up throwing a revolt and having my own revolution overthrowing those seated as rulers in God's house. It's His house, the pastors, regardless of my opinion of their abilities, for now, they were placed there...I'm such the Absalom. But it really opened my eyes to the potential for me to be more like David. And David wasn't one just to submit and obey, he took off. He went alone (didn't even get manipulative and gather followers like I would have done, like Absalom did), he went to God. While hiding out in the caves, people showed up. They were a little rough around the edges, but you fast forward and you see that those are the ones who believed in him and stuck around while he was king and dealing with Absalom. Good stuff, good stuff.

The story itself is told in a sort of play-like fashion, like you're watching a play and seeing it all play out so it's not like reading some study on these Bible characters, which makes it easier to find your role in it all. It's simple and straight to the point. Anyone who has struggled with church authority or who is struggling with it, definitely a must-read. When I get back to the US, looking forward to finding more Gene Edwards books (AND reading them). He's got a lot. Interesting dude (I wikipedia-ed him---organic churches).

For now, I've finally gotten around to reading this book that was sent to me in preparations for Russia. It's by Adam Hamilton, a UMC (United Methodist Church) pastor in Kansas. The book is Selling Swimsuits in the Arctic, it's about church growth. It's short so I should have been able to read it in like one sitting but I'm pacing myself and taking notes (it's a borrowed book, good to have the choice quotes for later, you know?). So yeah, I should be done if I get back to it.

Still have boxes that need to be sent off. I think I can finish packing in like an hour tonight. It's so weird how I have so much junk, even after mailing off like 11 boxes! Since losing the big backpack I got, well, my travelling suitcase limit has been well, more limited so now I have to squish more in the suitcases I have. Whatever I send off I won't see for 3-4 months and the stuff I mailed off could get there between August and September. If it comes later than sooner, all I'll have is the stuff in my suitcases that I'm taking to Russia. And who knows what could get lost or stolen of that, trying to be prepared. But sometimes that kind of preparation is worthless. It's stupid that I'm still getting over the loss of some of my clothes. Ugh. But at least I didn't apply to the one-box seminary (not the name of the school but heard there is at least one seminary that only allows one box-good call though, do we really need so much stuff?). I can't imagine going to school with one box of stuff. It'd have to be a mighty big box. But as it is, I couldn't likely even get all the stuff I'm sending into a dorm room (though I have no idea what my room looks like or if I even have a roommate). Details. The plan is to start getting rid of these earthly possessions (not all, but more) when I get back. So many books. I like words, duh?

I have another topic I want to write on at the moment but I'll save it. So many words here...

Wow, so obviously I've broken so many grammatical rules that I would push in my classes such as NO But, And, So, or Because at the beginning of sentences (I think I would say that at least once a day, oftentimes, four or more times in one day)...whatever...hopefully my dear readers can see past the hypocrisy of my grammar along with the simply poor grammar. Oh, how I long to use bigger words, must learn some first, and to quit thinking that "today morning" is a correct phrase. I didn't do all that well learning Korean, so hopefully I can learn English when I go to America. ^_____^

Psalm 116:8-9

Initially, the hard part about starting this thing was coming up with a title. Silly, right? I put something for the sake of it but wasn't happy with it. I bothered to check to see if I could change it, and well, I could...then I had to come up with something new.

I opened up the ol' Bible for some inspiration, hoping to find one of those dependable, encouraging scriptures to give me something good. I ended up in Psalms and saw some words that popped out..."delivered...from death." I wanted to find something that summed up my time in Korea, that summed up the last 24 years. That seemed to do it. Well, not just the last 24 years but all of it, the past, present, future...I've been delivered from death and this is the result.

For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

It's time to go for that walk...

the beginning

Finally I shall start. Other things are ending which is why this is a beginning, but that's life, right?

I'm not really sure how this will go. I'll make attempts on real journaling on paper with a pen (if I still remember how to do that) and then hopefully transfer some of the highlights from that on here, but we'll see. Do people really read this stuff?

Either way I really need to get my thoughts down, at least for my sake. Going to be some intense awesomeness up ahead.

Well, dear readers (if there are any), I thank you and wish you well on this journey.