been a while

So I really haven't reflected too much on my first year of seminary. Would have helped if I could have breathed much as I walked through it and reflected along the way, but I'm realizing that involves discipline that I don't quite have yet but really, really want.

This summer has been a crazy one. A couple weeks ago my brother called to tell me our dad had died. There was a complication with the heart surgery was having and he died. My feelings on this were and are mixed. To me, he might as well have been dead the last 4 or so years as I haven't heard from him once since soon after leaving the US for 4 years in Korea. I've been back a year and still haven't heard from him. And now I never will. Sadly there are mostly positives for my life in his death. When I meet people for the first time, I don't have to really explain my situation. The whole being half Korean thing comes up generally when I first meet people, and I rarely am the one to bring it up. You'd be surprised as to how many people make it something. I end up assuming it is on everyone's mind and then I end up saying something. Besides that, it often is said that I was in Korea for 5 years and then I end up having to explain my family situation. It reminds me each time of the rejection I have received from my dad for years and years, even before he ended communication. But now, now when people ask where my dad is, I still don't know but I can just say, "He died." Instead of getting pity and feeling ashamed, I'll hopefully just get sympathy and be able to move on.

A couple days after this news, my grandpa in Korea died. News of this was expected starting about a week or so before it happened. He was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, lots of inside stuff and had had it for a while without knowing. Thankfully he didn't have to suffer too long but it was a major shock as he was active and seemingly healthy up until the day the doctor diagnosed him. This is often why in other cultures families don't tell the elderly about diseases they have, it doesn't help them and takes usually takes away hope. But either way, that was pretty rough.

So that's been my summer amongst some other push-you-to-the-edge kind of things. There hasn't been a lot of opportunity to let it soak in and deal and when I do have the time, I honestly don't want to let it soak in or deal with it. I'm the pressing on kind of type, just keep moving until I get hit by a truck of emotions and such.

I'm discovering wounds I didn't know about along with old ones re-opening and new ones on top of all that. It's been an intense few weeks.

But here I am, one month left of the summer and a long list of tasks I need to accomplish and a bunch of things waiting for me when I get back to school.

A trip back to Russia is also waiting for me in the next couple weeks. I can't wait to get back in the routine of school and all that. Things will be different, and I'm hoping for the better.

My family and I could definitely use prayers. My mom doesn't know yet about my dad as my brother decided we should wait to tell her so she doesn't worry about us while she's dealing with stuff in Korea. Ironic how our dad died and so did hers but we can't connect on it at the moment. There's pain in that too.